Eckhart Tolle believes we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity. Perhaps this explains why we often hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us. We replay past mistakes over and over again in our head, allowing feelings of shame and regret to shape our actions in the present. We cling to frustration and worry about the future, as if the act of fixation somehow gives us power. We hold stress in our minds and bodies, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm.
Though it may sound simple, Ajahn Chah’s advice speaks volumes: “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”
I have learned that there will never be a time when life is simple. There will always be time to practice accepting that. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel peaceful. But this is not always the case. People often talk about running away to another, better place to escape their problems. But they are reminded that the problems remain even if they clean up and do things right this time around.
I often have thought of getting a fresh start somehow. I got that opportunity. But no matter how many times you try to do something right this time, you are constantly reminded on your past failures.
I left a good job last year because i couln't stand the people and felt i deserved better pay. Since then i've gone from job to job earning a fraction of what i used to and basically being taken advantage of to make ends meet. At the moment i dont care what i do if it keeps debtors off my back. I've had offers of telephone interviews but ive always bailed out at the last minute - i get nervous and don't like 'performing' for people, it feels so fake and annoys me so much. Even a proper interview I had I cancelled at the last minute becase if I put my all into it still didnt get the job i probably would never recover mentally - it almost seems like im protecting myself from disappointment because I know I can't take anymore.
I've always been optimistic growing up but sometimes things just don't work out the way you hoped. Friends are off advancing their careers and buying their houses and i'm up to my neck in bad debt and a child on the way. I basically single handly destroyed my wife's life. (Back then my girlfriend). She had a great life going. She managed to work her way to university, learning english and like any young lady, full of hope and passion to drive. That until we had a baby. I destroyed her dreams. I hate the feeling of unable to provide food on the table for my wife. I cant give back her previous life but I want to be able to support her. At least I owe her that much.
Back then, by the end of this month the banks and what not will be hassling me for money i don't have. I just need time to get myself back together maybe two months but they wont give it to me and especially not if they find out im unemployed. I used to thinking about opting out of life. Liquid detergent, rat poison, running towards a moving car, jumping of the 11th floor. I have actually thought about it. And the only thing that was keeping me from not doing it was my mother who doesn't need the pain and also myself - I truely feel i deserve better than to end my one and only life for banks that wont give a fuck after im gone anyway. The sad thing is i know i can bring it back, i know i can get back on track i just need time, space and money and I have none of those. Now that my father has taken that burden from me, I feel like I owed my life to him. The pain and suffering I caused to my family, the monetary burden I caused to my father, the hardship to my wife for needing to bear all this. I want it to all go away. I wish I could change and amend the past. I wish I could continue living without doubt and fear. Now I have to constantly look behind to see how people judge me. Being reminded what a failure I am and what a torn I am to the ones I love.
I dont think I can ever forget, and I definitely cant forgive myself.
Sorry....
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Budgets vs Expenses
One of my many attempts to better myself is to start taking charge of my daily expenses. Today the 25 is a significant day as it would be my salary day next month once i start work. Hence, it also the day we should review our expenditure for the month. And with encouragement from my father and my wife, I have took iniative to write down what I spend on and below is the result. I always ponder why cant i save money. I was educated in accounting and finance. And brought up in a family where money is hard earned and should be well saved. And yet and i do not hold all these values. In fact i have to admit im the total opposite. I am foolish and spending money i dont have. And hopefully this would be another step to a better me.
To be honest, I am not really proud of my current financial standing but given the fact that most of the expenses are not expected before hand, I am surprised that I could actually control my expenses on necessities such as food and transportation which is key to survival. Expenses uncalled for was the cost of obtaining my visa. Other large expenses were the purchase of tv and fridge but I reckon that this 2 are definetely needed and this are one time off expenses. The other costs were the hospital expenses for my expecting wife which yet is unavoidable.
In summary, this month should be a good month if is not due to the one time off payments. I started off with 40506 baht after conversion. This budget only took consideration of rental deposits and Food & Transportation. Unavoidable expenses were pouch medical fees and visa application which sums up to 16959 baht. In the end,Total expenses went up to 56215 baht.
But based on my calculations, I shall require additional 30000 baht for the months of May. The May budget is as follows:
Calculation of food is based on average from the month of april expenses.
Calculation of transportation is based on 70 baht 2 way for train to work. And remainding for other form of travel.
Rental is 5500 to be paid 1st of every month together with utilities.
Utilities such as electricity and water are based on estimates.
Telephone is based on usage in the month of April.
To be honest, this is really a good way. And next month will be a great month! Gambatee!
To be honest, I am not really proud of my current financial standing but given the fact that most of the expenses are not expected before hand, I am surprised that I could actually control my expenses on necessities such as food and transportation which is key to survival. Expenses uncalled for was the cost of obtaining my visa. Other large expenses were the purchase of tv and fridge but I reckon that this 2 are definetely needed and this are one time off expenses. The other costs were the hospital expenses for my expecting wife which yet is unavoidable.
In summary, this month should be a good month if is not due to the one time off payments. I started off with 40506 baht after conversion. This budget only took consideration of rental deposits and Food & Transportation. Unavoidable expenses were pouch medical fees and visa application which sums up to 16959 baht. In the end,Total expenses went up to 56215 baht.
But based on my calculations, I shall require additional 30000 baht for the months of May. The May budget is as follows:
Calculation of food is based on average from the month of april expenses.
Calculation of transportation is based on 70 baht 2 way for train to work. And remainding for other form of travel.
Rental is 5500 to be paid 1st of every month together with utilities.
Utilities such as electricity and water are based on estimates.
Telephone is based on usage in the month of April.
To be honest, this is really a good way. And next month will be a great month! Gambatee!
Chaengwattana - Immigration Headaches
Monday
Got my letter for a medical check up at one of the the panel clinics. I was only then inform to resubmit my pending documents including my health report to the immigration office. However, I have to pay the costs on my own. I died once again. $$$. The one thing I really trying not to use. But I guess is unavoidable. I tried negotiating with my future boss can these expenses be claimed later on. He simply replied "Maybe after your confirmation". Anyway nice try huh. So Firstly, I headed to the nearest panel clinic available at Chidlom.It was pretty fast. About an hour, I got my medical report free of charged and I was good to go. Though the dovtor say im overweight, I Couldnt care less. Im just happy to cross out another item from my lenghty to-do lists. Arrived at Chaengwattana around 2pm. I walked to the counter to get my number. Before I could even ask, The lady at the counter quickly said " Too many people today. Come back tmr. Open 8am". I was lik e wtf!? So ten minutes after setting foot in the complex I was back in the taxi again. Nothing much I could do then.
Tuesday
Went to Chaengwattana again this morning to submit my documents for a 1 year visa and working permit. Arrived at 08.29 and my heart sank when I saw the queue waiting for the Immigration office to open, the queue was in a circle back to the entrance of the complex.Doors opened spot on 08.30 and there was a rush like the first day of the Mega sale, I got my queue ticket at 08.45. There are actually a list of different visas. Mine is the Thai non-immigrant 'O' visa.
I provide the details to ease the way for others interested in this option and who would like to conserve their time and energy providing the proper documentation.
No police record.Clean medical record.The documentation has to be notarized.The requirements are listed on the consulate website but it’s not exactly clear Iwhat actual documents they want. They refer to an “income certificate”, a “medical certificate”, and a copy of you “police record” but exactly what these started out as and what they will accept was a bit of a mystery.Over the months, I’ve gotten inside the head of Thai bureaucrats and understand the Thai paperwork process. It’s not about really proving or documenting anything. The process is about making you jump through some hoops for the sake of appearance. It creates jobs and everyone is happy pretending they are doing something. It’s mindless, harmless, eats some time and money, and is hardly unique to Thailand. Most Thai bureaucracies are not computerized and the paper gets filed away somewhere and forgotten.
Working permit is a different story all together. But im too tire now to write it all down. All in all u get an inch thick stack of documents to be submitted.
I got to my turn around 11am. Submitted the documents and answered a whole bunch of ridiculous Questions prrompt by the officer. In the end it costs me:
Thai visa - 5500 baht
Working permit - 3000 baht For 1 year
Translation services - 2000 baht including certification chop on all my documents by the Malaysian embassy.
Grand total: 10500 baht and this is excluding my taxi fare. God pls help me..
Im asked to return 2 days later and my passport handed in. My budget just overblown. Thanks to mr immigration.
Got my letter for a medical check up at one of the the panel clinics. I was only then inform to resubmit my pending documents including my health report to the immigration office. However, I have to pay the costs on my own. I died once again. $$$. The one thing I really trying not to use. But I guess is unavoidable. I tried negotiating with my future boss can these expenses be claimed later on. He simply replied "Maybe after your confirmation". Anyway nice try huh. So Firstly, I headed to the nearest panel clinic available at Chidlom.It was pretty fast. About an hour, I got my medical report free of charged and I was good to go. Though the dovtor say im overweight, I Couldnt care less. Im just happy to cross out another item from my lenghty to-do lists. Arrived at Chaengwattana around 2pm. I walked to the counter to get my number. Before I could even ask, The lady at the counter quickly said " Too many people today. Come back tmr. Open 8am". I was lik e wtf!? So ten minutes after setting foot in the complex I was back in the taxi again. Nothing much I could do then.
Tuesday
Went to Chaengwattana again this morning to submit my documents for a 1 year visa and working permit. Arrived at 08.29 and my heart sank when I saw the queue waiting for the Immigration office to open, the queue was in a circle back to the entrance of the complex.Doors opened spot on 08.30 and there was a rush like the first day of the Mega sale, I got my queue ticket at 08.45. There are actually a list of different visas. Mine is the Thai non-immigrant 'O' visa.
I provide the details to ease the way for others interested in this option and who would like to conserve their time and energy providing the proper documentation.
No police record.Clean medical record.The documentation has to be notarized.The requirements are listed on the consulate website but it’s not exactly clear Iwhat actual documents they want. They refer to an “income certificate”, a “medical certificate”, and a copy of you “police record” but exactly what these started out as and what they will accept was a bit of a mystery.Over the months, I’ve gotten inside the head of Thai bureaucrats and understand the Thai paperwork process. It’s not about really proving or documenting anything. The process is about making you jump through some hoops for the sake of appearance. It creates jobs and everyone is happy pretending they are doing something. It’s mindless, harmless, eats some time and money, and is hardly unique to Thailand. Most Thai bureaucracies are not computerized and the paper gets filed away somewhere and forgotten.
Working permit is a different story all together. But im too tire now to write it all down. All in all u get an inch thick stack of documents to be submitted.
I got to my turn around 11am. Submitted the documents and answered a whole bunch of ridiculous Questions prrompt by the officer. In the end it costs me:
Thai visa - 5500 baht
Working permit - 3000 baht For 1 year
Translation services - 2000 baht including certification chop on all my documents by the Malaysian embassy.
Grand total: 10500 baht and this is excluding my taxi fare. God pls help me..
Im asked to return 2 days later and my passport handed in. My budget just overblown. Thanks to mr immigration.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Baby Justin
So we woke up at 6.30am and took a bus to the hospital. Some part of the hospital seems run down but i managed to spot a newer wing still partly under construction. We arrived at the hospital around 8am and the kind receptionist direct us to the gynaecology department. And to my horror there were already at least 50 pregnant mums in the queue. So much for public hospitals. We were given a form for my wife to fill it up with her particulars. It was at this moment we both agreed to named him Justin and we wrote in down in the columm.We waited for an hour before we were given a file and card and it was to be handed to the doctor. We waited again for another hour or 2 and were instructed to proceed to another section for my wife to draw her blood for a health screen check up. I guess its standard procedure to check for HIV and other diseases. We had to make payment first which costs 1500 baht. Then we will ask to go home and return 3 days later. What the heck!? We didnt even see the doctor today.
AFTER 3 days
We arrived at 7 this time. And the result is the same. Pack with expecting mums. Her blood work came out clean which is good. And we waited for 2 HOURS before it was her turn to see the doctor. I cannot but realise how young the female doctor which sat opposite. She said she had to ultrasound the baby. While waiting for our turn i saw people in white coats walking in and out from the department. After a closer looked at their badges i realise there are medical students from Mahidol University. Im now in doubt is my child and wife in good hands. Because i dont want some unqualified doctor. But my wife assured me is all right.
2 HOURS elapsed and the nurse finally called her name. We enter calmly. I sat on the stool beside the bed where she lied and look closely. The doctor did her job. And i was amazed she was very thorough. But Justin was not really helping. He seems to be keep hiding his left arm which the doctor cant seem to see regardless of how many times she pushes and turns the tummy. After countless atempts the doctor ask my wife to go out for a 5 minutes walk and come back again. We did. And finally we could see that tiny little arm of his. Hahaha..the doctor confirmee Justin is 7 months and 3 days old.
My wife was asked to come back next week for an oral glucose test. Everything was in order. I wanted to have a copy of the ultrasound but the hospital need to keep it for reference. All in all today cost another 800 baht. And i paid another 5000 baht as deposit for her delivery which the doctor expects early July.
When we left, mummy said Justin was all over the place and kicking. Naughty little one. Or maybe jJustin was just shy to meet the beauitful lady doctor.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Sanctuary
The past few days was really tiring. Those who knows me knew i hate taking public transport. Regardless if its a airconditioned bus or a mrt. I just hate it. Waiting for them to arrive is already time consuming and to make matters worst i get a really bad headache when im on anyone of them. But with my pregnant wife taking the same mode of transportation how can i complain. And thanks to her persistance of always waiting for the free public bus i have grew a long patience. The headaches are there. But i have learn to tolerate it.
The reason for all the long waiting and long journey on public transports is my wife and i are on a mission. Is not like Call of Duty mission. But is a mission nonetheless to find our new home that fits our budget. Thanks to her aunt she had already spotted some apartments for us and is just now up to us to decide which would be our new affordable home. After 3 days of hunting, we decided to go for this small little apartment called Kellys Home to be our sanctuary. Is not exactly
Grand or prestiguos. But is good enough for me.
The place is only 30sq metres. But it is fully furnished. And is near the train and it costs 5500 baht.I attached some photos here. It doesnt have a kitchen but we made a small area like a pantry. And moving in was a real Killer!!! We had 5 BIG luggages which weights at least 20kg each and another additional 5 small bags. One taxi actually couldnt even fit it all!!! We needed 2. Best part the moment the taxi arrived it was raining like a typhoon. It didnt even rain a single dropsince i arrived to this country and it choose to come all tsunami today. And i needed to do all the heavy lifting myself as my wife could only managed the small ones
Later that evening, we headed to the 2nd hand shop and got ourselves a Sharp 32 inch Lcd tv and a small panasonic refrigerator for a total bargain price of 10000 baht. Personally i think is a good buy given its condition and it still has a year waranty. But heres another killer! They do not provide delivery. Guess how we did it. My wife negotiated with the tut tut to deliver it back to our apartment for 200baht. Not bad huh.
After such a tiring day, we just crashed on the bed and the luggages are still unpacked. While lying on the bed, i looked around the room and stared blindly at the ceiling. I have a great feeling about this place. It may not have the comfort like home. But it is enough for now. My sanctuary.....
The reason for all the long waiting and long journey on public transports is my wife and i are on a mission. Is not like Call of Duty mission. But is a mission nonetheless to find our new home that fits our budget. Thanks to her aunt she had already spotted some apartments for us and is just now up to us to decide which would be our new affordable home. After 3 days of hunting, we decided to go for this small little apartment called Kellys Home to be our sanctuary. Is not exactly
Grand or prestiguos. But is good enough for me.
The place is only 30sq metres. But it is fully furnished. And is near the train and it costs 5500 baht.I attached some photos here. It doesnt have a kitchen but we made a small area like a pantry. And moving in was a real Killer!!! We had 5 BIG luggages which weights at least 20kg each and another additional 5 small bags. One taxi actually couldnt even fit it all!!! We needed 2. Best part the moment the taxi arrived it was raining like a typhoon. It didnt even rain a single dropsince i arrived to this country and it choose to come all tsunami today. And i needed to do all the heavy lifting myself as my wife could only managed the small ones
Later that evening, we headed to the 2nd hand shop and got ourselves a Sharp 32 inch Lcd tv and a small panasonic refrigerator for a total bargain price of 10000 baht. Personally i think is a good buy given its condition and it still has a year waranty. But heres another killer! They do not provide delivery. Guess how we did it. My wife negotiated with the tut tut to deliver it back to our apartment for 200baht. Not bad huh.
After such a tiring day, we just crashed on the bed and the luggages are still unpacked. While lying on the bed, i looked around the room and stared blindly at the ceiling. I have a great feeling about this place. It may not have the comfort like home. But it is enough for now. My sanctuary.....
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Brave New World
Although I wouldnt say Bangkok is such a brave new world.Afterall it is just a 2 hours flight away from home. But somehow or another it is the begining of the next chapter for me. On my flight, I couldnt help but wonder what might lie ahead of me. Afraid, troubled, anxiety.. it all runs around inside this small damaged brain of mine. Yet there is also the feeling of excitement and curioisity to look forward to something better. Perhaps a part of me wanted to hope. YES.. Hope!!! What is hope to a demotivated man like me?
Hope for me personally means that no matter what adversity I face and no matter how hard timesa get I know my sunshine will come.It's an eternal burning flame that will never go out as long as someone believes. Thanks to my upbringing. I do not give up easily and with the support of my family i shall not fail. Im a talkative person by nature. But somehow i do not find it easy to talk to anyone on personal matters especially when emotions are involved. Perhaps i had unknowingly train myself to hide my sensitive side from people. I cry easily and im used to be told showing your emotions is a weakness.
My parents felt i had distance myself from them. Perhaps i had. But I wasnt intentionally. And for that im deeply sorry. Hence, from this moment onwards, i would write it all down my thoughts.. my emotions.. my experiences and hopefully I shall see myself change to be someone better alomg this lines. And lastly. Welcome Brave new world!
Hope for me personally means that no matter what adversity I face and no matter how hard timesa get I know my sunshine will come.It's an eternal burning flame that will never go out as long as someone believes. Thanks to my upbringing. I do not give up easily and with the support of my family i shall not fail. Im a talkative person by nature. But somehow i do not find it easy to talk to anyone on personal matters especially when emotions are involved. Perhaps i had unknowingly train myself to hide my sensitive side from people. I cry easily and im used to be told showing your emotions is a weakness.
My parents felt i had distance myself from them. Perhaps i had. But I wasnt intentionally. And for that im deeply sorry. Hence, from this moment onwards, i would write it all down my thoughts.. my emotions.. my experiences and hopefully I shall see myself change to be someone better alomg this lines. And lastly. Welcome Brave new world!
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