Eckhart Tolle believes we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity. Perhaps this explains why we often hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us. We replay past mistakes over and over again in our head, allowing feelings of shame and regret to shape our actions in the present. We cling to frustration and worry about the future, as if the act of fixation somehow gives us power. We hold stress in our minds and bodies, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm.
Though it may sound simple, Ajahn Chah’s advice speaks volumes: “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”
I have learned that there will never be a time when life is simple. There will always be time to practice accepting that. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel peaceful. But this is not always the case. People often talk about running away to another, better place to escape their problems. But they are reminded that the problems remain even if they clean up and do things right this time around.
I often have thought of getting a fresh start somehow. I got that opportunity. But no matter how many times you try to do something right this time, you are constantly reminded on your past failures.
I left a good job last year because i couln't stand the people and felt i deserved better pay. Since then i've gone from job to job earning a fraction of what i used to and basically being taken advantage of to make ends meet. At the moment i dont care what i do if it keeps debtors off my back. I've had offers of telephone interviews but ive always bailed out at the last minute - i get nervous and don't like 'performing' for people, it feels so fake and annoys me so much. Even a proper interview I had I cancelled at the last minute becase if I put my all into it still didnt get the job i probably would never recover mentally - it almost seems like im protecting myself from disappointment because I know I can't take anymore.
I've always been optimistic growing up but sometimes things just don't work out the way you hoped. Friends are off advancing their careers and buying their houses and i'm up to my neck in bad debt and a child on the way. I basically single handly destroyed my wife's life. (Back then my girlfriend). She had a great life going. She managed to work her way to university, learning english and like any young lady, full of hope and passion to drive. That until we had a baby. I destroyed her dreams. I hate the feeling of unable to provide food on the table for my wife. I cant give back her previous life but I want to be able to support her. At least I owe her that much.
Back then, by the end of this month the banks and what not will be hassling me for money i don't have. I just need time to get myself back together maybe two months but they wont give it to me and especially not if they find out im unemployed. I used to thinking about opting out of life. Liquid detergent, rat poison, running towards a moving car, jumping of the 11th floor. I have actually thought about it. And the only thing that was keeping me from not doing it was my mother who doesn't need the pain and also myself - I truely feel i deserve better than to end my one and only life for banks that wont give a fuck after im gone anyway. The sad thing is i know i can bring it back, i know i can get back on track i just need time, space and money and I have none of those. Now that my father has taken that burden from me, I feel like I owed my life to him. The pain and suffering I caused to my family, the monetary burden I caused to my father, the hardship to my wife for needing to bear all this. I want it to all go away. I wish I could change and amend the past. I wish I could continue living without doubt and fear. Now I have to constantly look behind to see how people judge me. Being reminded what a failure I am and what a torn I am to the ones I love.
I dont think I can ever forget, and I definitely cant forgive myself.
Sorry....
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